Roderick Paulate admits he has not moved on from mom’s passing

During a recent shoot for GMA’s upcoming station ID, veteran comedian Roderick Paulate was asked to write on a piece of white board whatever or whomever it is that he loves the most.  He wrote “mom” on the board, referring to his diseased mother who passed away three years ago.

Roderick says his closeness with his mom is an “open book” in the industry.  In his past talk and variety shows, the phrase, “I love you, mom!” was almost always a part of the actor’s closing spiels until his mom died.

Three years have passed since his mother’s death but until now, Roderick has not yet fully accepted his loss.

“I don’t want to be ‘plastic;’ I don’t want to be covering my emotions.  Up to now, kahit three years nang wala na ang mommy ko I haven’t accepted it. E ganun e.  Some people say you have to move on.  Fine, but it’s easier said than done.  Pero kahit tina-try ko na sabihin sa sarili ko na ‘she’s in heaven’ ganyan, of course I still miss her so much.  I mean, I want her to enjoy the Kingdom of Heaven and the presence of God but as a human being it’s hard to do kasi nandito pa ako sa lupa e,” explains Roderick who was a bit reluctant to be interviewed about the matter at first.

“Every time I come home, I always see her room.  To tell you honestly, three years nang wala ang mommy ko pero I haven’t touched her things.  Sabi ko sa [mga kasama ko sa bahay], ‘huwag niyong gagalawin ‘yan’.  Kasi ang feeling ko ‘pag tinanggal ko yung kama niya at ginawa kong office na ‘yun, wala na, ibig sabihin kailangan ko nang tanggapin na wala na talaga siya – that she’s gone,” shared Roderick.

According to Roderick, he has not even touched any of his mom’s belongings. 

“Yung things nga niya na ginamit sa hospital hanggang ngayon nasa bathroom ko lang.  Andun lang siya, pero I haven’t opened them for three years now.  So I’m just praying to God na someday, totally i-heal niya ako so I can open her things and fix them na,” he said.

One of those things Roderick has not dared to open was a bag, which contained the last allowance he gave her mother before she died.

“When she was still alive, I give her allowance every 10th and 25th .  When she was in the hospital, parang 10th of the month yun e, so suweldo ko.  Nakahiga siya, binigay ko sa kanya yung allowance niya.  Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, kinuha niya tapos nilagay niya sa bag niya dahil ang bag niya nasa itaas ng ulo niya, ayaw niyang ihiwalay sa kanya.  So just imagine, nandudoon yung allowance na binigay ko sa kanya, hanggang ngayon nandun yung pera na iyon kasi hindi ko magalaw yung gamit niya, hindi ko ma-touch.  Minsan nga gusto kong kunin yung pera at i-invest kasi sayang e pero hindi ko magawa.  Ganun kalala.  At may mga singsing pa ako na binigay sa kanya, hindi ko rin makuha-kuha.  Feeling ko kasi kapag ginawa ko na yun, ibig sabihin OK na ako, pero hindi ko pa rin talaga tanggap na wala na siya e,” he explained.

All throughout his life as a comedian, Roderick has always looked up to the King of Comedy, Dolphy.  And for quite a few times they have worked in a couple of shows when both of them were still in ABS-CBN.

Roderick intentionally did not visit Dolphy in the hospital during his last days because according to him, he could not endure seeing the Comedy King in such a condition.

“That’s the reason why I didn’t go to the hospital.  Alam ni Tita Nova [Villa] ‘yan.  I found out kung anu-ano yung mga nakalagay sa kanya [Dolphy], which reminds me of my mom.  So sabi ni Tita Nova, ‘kung ganyan ang nasa isip mo, huwag ka nalang pumunta.’ So I just prayed for Tito Dolphy because I didn’t want to see him in that situation,” he said.

Roderick learned about Dolphy’s passing while on official trip abroad.  He was able to attend the interment, however, a day after he came back.

“When I went to the interment iyak ako nang iyak kasi yung memories bumabalik-balik e.  And also because I know how it feels to lose a loved one,” he recalled.

“Nung nagkita kami ni Zsa Zsa, I just embraced her kasi wala akong masabi e, siguro naramdaman na rin niya ang ibig kong sabihin sa hug na yun.  I’ve been there, kaya lang iba yung sa kanya e kasi partner niya, but still it’s a loved-one,” said Roderick.

Although there is nothing that he can do to hasten the process of grief that Dolphy’s family is now going through, Roderick has a wish for them, which is pretty much his wish for himself.

“Sana someday ma-aaccept din nila and sana mas maging close yung family nila, at mahalin nila ang isa’t-isa.  Sana mas manaig sa family nila ang love and harmony because that would make their dad happy.”

As to his own burden, Roderick constantly looks up to the Divine for the gift of emotional healing.

“With the help of the Lord, tutulungan niya ako na matanggap na ang lahat.”

Roderick Paulate stars in the following GMA Network shows:  Protégé: The Battle for the Big Artista Break (Weekly beginning August 5), Tweets for My Sweet (Saturdays) and H.O.T. TV (Sundays).